Grapefruit face

Today I worked for a Doctor who spent all afternoon giving old ladies papsmears and testing their anuses for fecal blood. It was rad. I had one old lady tell me that I have a lovely complexion and she wanted to know what my skin care regimen is. So I will use this blog to answer her question.

Dear Old Lady,

Firstly, thank you so much for commenting on my complexion. It is so nice to recieve a compliment every now and again. You wanted to know what products I use in my skin care regimen and the truth is I use nothing. In fact I never wash my face...like ever. Okay, maybe occasionally, but I wouldn't say that I do it with any sort of consistancy or frequency. I like to keep my skin guessing. Next, I don't drink enough water and I mostly eat very unhealthy food. I tend to squeeze anything that even remotely looks like a blemish and I do it with enough ferocity to often times give my self a bruise in the process. I will follow that with maniacally picking at any scabbing that forms until a what was a very small wound now looks like leprosy. I usually start each day by trying wipe off the previous days eye makeup with the side of my index finger. I then reapply copious amounts of foundation to cover above mentioned scabs as well as freckles. I may reapply throughout the day as it rubs off, or I may not give a crap. I drink three cokes a day, eat Mcdonalds for lunch and sweat too much. I then fall asleep that night with whatever makeup that still remains clinging disgustingly to my face. So there you have it!! Follow these simple steps to a much less than flawless complextion!!

Yours Truly,

Person who you thought was a nurse, but isn't

Old people are super blind. I had a lovely outcropping of pimpledge on my left cheek and an actively oozing puss volcano on the side my nose, plus several healing scab things in various locations...and my pores are huge, my face looks like grapefruit peel.